For all our lives, we are conditioned to say yes to our parents, teachers and friends. ‘No’ is perceived as a negative phrase – so harsh, rude and cynical. Saying yes creates no tension. By agreeing, you’re immediately a good person, you’re kind and helpful and appreciated.
But what if you said no?
We’ve all had those times where we’ve said yes to something we haven’t really wanted to do. Going out for food with someone you didn’t really want to go with. Perhaps a colleague who you’d rather keep just that, but you couldn’t say this to their face because, well, it just simply would be rude. You’ve probably even said yes to someone you’re close with, maybe your best friend wanted to watch a film that’s completely not your thing. Why did you say yes? You didn’t want to be awkward. Even changing your plans so you could stay on at work to cover a shift; you were really looking forward to that coffee date… It might come as a shock, but you could actually have just said no.
When it comes down to it, we’re just saying yes to keep other people happy. But what about our own happiness? Why shouldn’t we be putting ourselves first? While helping those around us can be pleasant and healthy, it’s important we know when to stop. As a child, saying no is actually our automatic response to anything we’re told to do by those with authority. So why do we want to say yes to everything as we get older? Society has conditioned us to be eager to please and we’re scared of what might happen if we don’t.
Setting boundaries is essential to your wellbeing. Putting a pause to that robotic routine of saying yes can give you your freedom back and save you stress. The easiest way to set boundaries is to be open and honest about how you feel to those around you, and to yourself. Start by communicating, sincerely but respectfully. It’s essential that you follow through on these, so you don’t end up in the same never-ending circle of saying yes to things you don’t want to.
Dr Michael Kinsey wrote an article called The “No” Quadrant in 2019. He defined good boundaries as ‘being able to define yourself and your values as distinct and separate from those of others’. In other words, just because your friend wants to do something, you don’t have to do it with them. It’s completely your choice. Dr Michael Kinsey further explains the positive effect setting boundaries and defining our values has on our relationships. You might be surprised to find that distancing yourselves from others’ goals and values actually brings you closer to them. We ultimately have to be separate from other people to fully appreciate how great it feels to have good company. Having the freedom to say no links us greatly to those feelings of self-confidence and healthy connections.
In the article, Dr Kinsey addresses Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, which is a form of cognitive therapy. Dr Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, came up with a list of questions which are used in therapy to determine whether a person’s boundaries are being stretched. Issues that these cover include self-respect: is this going to put it at risk? Responsibility: am I responsible for the satisfaction of this person? Authority: is the person asking me to do this an authoritative figure? Timing: is it the right time to say no? And finally, clarity: do I actually know what I’m saying yes to? This list is a tool designed to help an individual decide whether to tell someone no, and how to tell them. If someone is an authoritative figure, like a teacher or parent, the person is obviously going to have less reason to say no. If it’s not a great time to say no to someone, there’s more reason to plan how you’re going to slowly let someone down to keep the relationship with that person strong and stable.
As we all know, different people have different personalities and different expectations, so after considering these questions, you should also consider the type of person you’re facing. Family, romance and close friendships all fall under the closest kind of relationship there is: the trusting relationship. These people are easiest to say no to because you’re most likely to be open and honest with these people. You feel like they really know you and you know them too. They know what to expect from you and what you like and dislike, so there’s no fear when it comes to declining their requests.
There are also those relationships where it feels like a lot of effort. It’s high commitment to keep a relationship with these people and you’ll often feel obligated to say yes, otherwise you’ll need a great explanation as to why you can’t – they’ll surely ask. For these relationships, saying no is so important, but it’s also really hard. The best way to say no to someone from whom you feel pressure, is to state ‘no’ clearly without an explanation, at first. You’ll then give a clear and concise explanation as to why you don’t want to, be honest here. For every time the other party tries to negotiate, to challenge your decision, you need to stay decisive but polite. Respond to any intrusiveness with ‘I’ve explained my reasons’ until the discussion ends. Stay polite but firm and, before you know it, setting boundaries will become second nature to you.
Learning to say no is one of the greatest things you can do for your time, mental well-being and self-confidence. It will help you feel in control and make you more aware of your freedom. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being honest and for putting your own wellness first. Saying no is hard for everyone, but it’s something we can all work on. Be honest, be in control and say no.